i had a session with a different counsellor bc my usual one is on holiday and holy shit he is absolutely gorgeous. he was actually better than my usual counsellor but his beauty is too distracting and i couldn’t ask to change anyway cos that’s way too mean/embarrassing
You know, it’s funny, generally when men refer to their exes as “crazy” what I keep hearing is “she had emotions, and I did not like that.”
I think maybe there is some confusion on what crazy is.
Dudes of the world – if you do not return your girlfriend’s calls for a week, and she shows up at your door yelling, she is not crazy. She is angry at you. There’s a difference. “Crazy’ would be if you did not return her calls for a week and she decided she was a lighthouse.
That’s not to say that women don’t refer to ex-boyfriends as crazy as well, but when women say that, the subtext is generally “he beat up a cop. He’s in jail now.” Ashley just referred to Ted Nugent as “crazy” and I snapped, “what do you mean by that?” and she replied “he just threatened to kill Obama. The secret service is following up.”
What men mean when they talk about their “crazy” ex-girlfriend is often that she was someone who cried a lot, or texted too often, or had an eating disorder, or wanted too much/too little sex, or generally felt anything beyond the realm of emotionally undemanding agreement. That does not make these women crazy. That makes those women human beings, who have flaws, and emotional weak spots. However, deciding that any behavior that he does not like must be insane– well, that does make a man a jerk.
And when men do this on a regular basis, remember that, if you are a women, you are not the exception. You are not so cool and fabulous and levelheaded that they will totally get where you are coming from when you show emotions other than “pleasant agreement.”
When men say “most women are crazy, but not you, you’re so cool” the subtext is not, “I love you, be the mother to my children.” The subtext is “do not step out of line, here.” If you get close enough to the men who say things like this, eventually, you will do something that they do not find pleasant. They will decide you are crazy, because this is something they have already decided about women in general.
I also think - well, what if the ex was mentally ill? That doesn’t excuse “she was crazy” either. I can imagine myself being talked about in just this way and him having the actual ~proof~ of me being on SSRIs to support the statement. Sometimes suffering from depression is like the “calm down are you on your period” line in that reasonable reactions are attributed to your mental illness. Summarising a whole complex person as “crazy”, whether they are mentally ill or not, is hurtful and ableist.
Do you ever just see the first sentence of a text message and just think “oh fuck no I do not have time for this shit”